Curious Confrontation

 The longer I’ve navigated the world, it seems the majority of people would rather stay silent than risk a little feather ruffling. Perhaps it is more of a spectrum than two poles, but being more in the “okay with confrontation” personality types, I’ve struggled for years over why so many shy away from it.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not like confrontation, however, my disdain for unresolved issues far exceeds my fears that saying something direct will cause a temporary disruption. And in the root of my soul, I believe with the right heart posture, just about any relational troubles can be resolved with a conversation. That doesn’t mean the parties will move forward with the same levels of interaction and trust, but to me, it’s possible that both move forward free, or, at a minimum, moving toward becoming free from the burdens of hurt and unresolved issues without having to live in constant turmoil of unsettled issues.

It’s been said that to the confrontational types (enneagram eights generally fall in this category) confrontation is intimacy, and there nothing I believe to be more true about how I view confrontation.

By confronting an issue over letting it fester or worse, never get resolved, we can:

l Gain understanding and empathize with another person’s point of view by asking hard questions

l Move forward in a relationship with deeper trust and an expanded view of what love can bring knowing that we can overcome difficult things together

l Ensure our view of truth has all the facts in mind and isn’t missing another vantage point

l Expand our capacity for long term relationships and the beauty that can come of them

l Encourage transparency from all ends of the relationship

l Enable us to move forward with a sense of confidence that our feelings and needs can be entrusted to this other person and thereby encourage reciprocity of the same and deepen emotional trust

I don’t come from a family that shy's away from (our view of) the truth or confrontation. However my childhood certainly could have used improved training in the art of conflict resolution. Simply being confrontational alone does not mean we hold the skills to navigate different perspectives, intense emotions, and know how to be solution-focused and move forward freely reconciled with improved interactions and clear-but-graceful boundaries.

Navigating relationships that involve people that didn’t grow up in a similar, or at least more direct, family dynamic, for better or worse, has been a lesson in what healthy conflict should look like, especially in contrast to those who tend toward complete conflict avoidance or sweeping issues under the rug. While I don’t believe in the latter, the challenge to question how I view conflict has been purifying.

For a time, it seemed that the inner storm in my soul would never calm and I would have to suppress my deep desire for transparency in order to navigate relationships with others and especially those who are prone to avoidance.

A few of my closest and in full transparency, at times, most challenging relationships are with those who are a lot like me. We can’t seem to find calm until we say the things that are on our hearts. We have hurt each other in the ways we’ve sometimes chosen to suppress (imploding from the inside) or consequently, explode these emotions on each other, causing disjointedness in our relationships.

The good news about these people, who I love, is that God continually pulls us back in, towards each other, in pursuit of deeper relationship, even when one or the other, or both of us has cause some kind of hurt before.

I was feeling myself become a little irritated in one of these relationships lately. A bit of “seepage” was starting to come out - in other words, we were starting to subtly express unmet expectations and disappointments, but without directly saying it. Frankly, my initial response to the subtle criticism - essentially questioning why I was not showing up in ways expected - was to be defensive and shell myself off from this person.

Contrary to my initial inclinations, I scheduled a coffee meeting. And up until the drive to the coffee shop, my rehearsed lines were accusatory, defense-driven, and downright confrontational in the ugly way. I challenged myself to re-frame: how can I word my own frustrations in ways that were at least questions?

Well-toned, open-ended questions allow space for nuance, understanding, and new perspectives. Instead of cutting to the chase, I asked and followed up, turning to what was moving in that person’s life before digging into the things that were putting me off of late. It wasn’t like I was going in planning to end a friendship, I knew I could trust these person with these things and we would get through it - we are similar, as I said. With trust established, even had I messed up and brought an accusatory tone, I think the health of this person would have balanced the unhealth in myself in that moment. Before I even got to the negatives, the space was breathable again. I was no longer on defense. My shoulders relaxed, I felt more curious and understanding of their insight and the reasons for their own questioning, and was able to both explain the reasons for where I was in ways that allowed for both truth and grace while also extending the same to this person.

It was refreshing.

Despite my internal battle with my actual approach versus my inner drive and less-than-healthy inclinations, I really learned something here. Things are not always as intense as they feel to me, and adding more contact-points such as a simple coffee date or even phone call with our closest confidants on a regular basis can not only clear up any harbored concerns with our without direct accusations, but they can prevent them altogether. We can hear a person’s heart, concerns, shortfalls, misgivings, and tension points and act to extend understanding, provide clarity and reassurance, and simply be known in our comings and goings in ways that simply bless our encounters and help us to assume the best before cutting to the worst in others.

It’s not rocket-science, but a good reminder. How many relationships have been lost and wars been started over simple misunderstandings? Sharing a table can diffuse so much of that between two people who want to understand and extend grace for the other while also asking for it of themselves.

I committed, then and there, that instead of taking my accusations while they’re hot, I intend to take my confrontation and spin it into curiosity as much as possible, but especially when there is offense or potential offense on the table. Our ability to show care and extend concern for another over staking our claim and holding our ground, at a minimum, starting in that order, even if a difficult case is to be made, can go so far in preventing mountains from rising out of molehills.